last last weekend happened to be the one where we commemorate being born and raised and all that other stuff or at least some of it that goes along with them what birthed us so we tried to come up with some mother's day-worthy flicks but we only had one (nobody had 'mother's day,' weird, right? i mean it's fucking troma) so being as how there was a full moon the night before and everything had gotten itself all weird from like thursday on anyhow we went with the werewolf thing established early on instead, still appropriate, duh. well anyways more cohesive than normal or something.
'my mom's a werewolf.' uh-huh. so....shot over a few hours one tuesday afternoon/evening in the time before after-school specials went off the air, this mess of brown-tape insanity holds to no strict rules about werewolves or moms, so it's a-ok in my little red book. mom has lunchtime affair with creepy guy she meets who's already eaten (a rat! at the pet store! ew, amiright?), grows white polyfill all over, makes the scene at th' halloween party (of course it's halloween!), almost bangs said creepy dude in th' oddly moist environs he maintains in the back of said pet store, almost goes to th' dentist (not c. bernsen, dammit) in her undies, almost holds film together. meanwhile her daughter, blossom, along with her trusty pal 6, manages to not really figure out what's (bang! that was the frying pan that is the retardo plot & premise of the movie hitting you, i know, very easy to miss, but i don't blame you, young actress with the monobrow of gold and yer weird yellow brick friend, i'm sure i wouldn't fucking come straight to th' conclusion that my mom was a werewolf - she's not, thx - even if all the signs pointed to it in neon either, i don't think) going on. but with th' help of 6's (again) trusty vintage horror mag collection and encyclopaedic knowledge of how to kill a werewolf (among other things), they manage to stab the fucking baddie with a fork on a stick which eventually kills him and so mom is fine again...AND ON TV! obviously i'm really leaving a lot out here but y'know it's pretty dense and heady stuff and i wouldn't want to bog anyone down in discussions of distanciation and stuff. oh, and jason quicksall is in it.
so, can i just say that when i'm looking for posters to put up here i just get really fucking jazzed when they're WAY cooler than th' video box? but more than that, yes, FAR more than that - most of all, even, it stokes me to no end when i find that one of these awesome examples of the triumph of just pure fucking unadulterated human desperation and trust fund usage *cough* i mean determination and the power of dreams is available on dvd somewhere. and 'full eclipse' is. yuh-huh. now, mario van peebles has done worse movies than this; he is not, to my memory, all that great of an actor. but his dad got him laid onscreen, sacrificing his virginity for all to see - not to mention starting a fucking boulder rolling that culminated in the jaw-dropping display of awesome that is 'i'm gonna get you sucka,' a flick so goddam great that, like 'top secret' and many others before and since, we probably wouldn't even think of playing it here, unless there was nothing else or something - and that's pretty cool. but it is not as cool as this movie, i tell you, and it is way, way not as cool as the thirty fucking times mario van peebles flies thru the fucking air in order to shoot a bullet because i am pretty sure that is the only way that he can shoot real good or something. his partner tries it sometimes too, even going as far as to, while standing on top of a moving bus, leap into the air like one foot ahead of where he was and land on his chest, firing away the whole while. it's for accuracy, obviously. try it out sometime. it just happens to look totally badass, esp. in slow motion. coincidence. so in an attempt to ruin everything for you (for the eighth or ninth time, i tell you it's not going to ruin yer enjoyment of these films if i or anyone tell you what "happens"), here's th' deal: ancient and powerful werewolf baddie creates vampire-style coven of awesome crime-fighting insane-o's (some of them are foxy. ish.) and makes the world a better place, city by city, except that he fails to tell everyone that he's gonna get real powerful and stuff whenever there's a full lunar eclipse (see what i did there) and probably rip them to shreds and eat their souls eventually. MVP (seriously) looks at microfiche (which as far as i can tell is just what somoeone who is confused should do right fucking away, go look at some random microfiche, because that will immediately - give or take one montage-makin' sleepless night - make all the reasons for everything become just so painfully obvious) and is unimpressed with baddie's plan. foils it. moves to denver. end. (caveat: the ending of this - and i'm not even talking about th' denver part, that's kinda alright actually, i'm all for it, it's a nice town, lush and green, good schools, great food and entertainment, or for that matter the actual final fight scene which is cool in itself, it just ends up kinda totally meh - is about .003% as good as the rest of it. but do please bear in mind the rest of it is FUCKING AWESOME, and adjust accordingly.)
No comments:
Post a Comment